Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike goes out of order
Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 10:56:09 pm EDT
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“If You Wait by the River Long Enough, You’ll See the Bodies of Your Enemies Float By”
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“If You Wait by the River Long Enough, You’ll See the Bodies of Your Enemies Float By”



This was the creed Herbert Garrick and many other petty like-minded bureaucrats lived by. It was what allowed them to get up in the morning and face another day of paper shuffling, kow-towing, and position jockeying: the hope beyond hope that someday they would be able to watch an adversary’s career go down the toilet. And if you were the one to bear the bad news, well, that was gravy.

“The Epitome Division is being dismantled, and you reassigned,” Garrick, the President’s Special Adviser on Metahuman Affairs, said bluntly.

“I understand sir,” Special Agent Dominic Clancy replied from his seat at the table. He, Garrick, Director Aaron Saomes of the Office of Paranormal Security, and Special Agent Clarice Grackle of the Federal Bureau of Investigation were meeting to go through the highlights of Mr. Epitome’s fall from grace. So far he was taking it too well.

Garrick decided to twist the knife a bit, “The fact is Epitome, since your brain got fried this country can’t have you operate with the same autonomy you used to. You’re a security risk.”

“You and Glory will still be part of the OPS, Dominic,” Director Soames clarified.

Garrick smiled unctuously, “Yes, at a clearance level more appropriate to your current status. And after you’ve finished your convalescence, of course.”

The Paragon of Power was taken aback, “The doctors at Homo Maximus gave me a clean bill of health.”

“Well, Agent Clancy, knowledge of the existence of HM is not something Agent Grackle has clearance for, so good job compromising national security,” Garrick snarked, “You’ve just proved my point. There’s nearly fifteen years of case files you need to get caught up on. And after my department has figured out what you need to know, we’ll pass it on to you. Then, after you’ve finished your required reading, you can go back in the field.”

“Until then we’re going to relocate you to our Paradopolis branch. There is some agent housing you can occupy until you find your own accommodations, if you choose to. I just want to be clear, Dominic, that this is in no way a punishment. OPS is just trying to help you through what has to be a difficult time.”

“I understand sir,” Dominic repeated, “Glory said we had an apartment in Persephone, over the Epitome Division offices.”

Garrick predicted the upcoming request, “You’ll be allowed to pick up your personal effects after we’ve gone through and removed any content you don’t have the clearance to see. Director Soames here can probably give you a stipend to purchase any housewares or clothing you might need.”

Garrick could tell by his thin smile that Epitome now understood perfectly the dynamic of their new relationship. He decided to be magnanimous, “We’re done here, Agent Clancy. Agent Grackle, perhaps you’d like to show Epitome out?”

As the pair was dismissed Herbert Garrick turned to his colleague Soames (whose fortunes, so long tied to the success of Mr. Epitome, would obviously be going through some adjustment as well) and smiled, “I think I’m going to play the lottery today. It just feels like the smart thing to do.”

*****


“I’m guessing Mr. Garrick and I had a bit of a past relationship?” Dominic Clancy inquired facetiously to Clarice as the elevator doors slid close.

“If you count ten years of bureaucratic turf warfare as a relationship, then yeah,” Clarice looked up into the eyes of the young man she could recognize only in memories of a much earlier time in her life. She tried to console him, “You never did anything to deserve that kind of treatment.”

“I wouldn’t think so,” Dominic grinned shyly, a patented move that Clarice also recognized, “How about you? Did I do all right by you?”

“We got along, for the most part,” she adjudged.

“That’s good,” he turned serious, “Part of me wants to know everything that’s happened in my life, but then I think that maybe I should just remain ignorant, and not let the past, or others’ interpretations of it, dictate what I should do next. I should probably read up on how doctors treat patients with amnesia for advice.”

Clarice nearly let it slip that at one point Dominic was a doctor, but remembered his earlier statement, “That’s a good idea. And if there’s anything I can do to help,” she handed her not-so-old-anymore friend her business card with personal information written on the back, “Feel free to call.”

“Sure. Thanks,” Epitome slipped the card in one of his suit’s pouches. He wasn’t sure if he would need the number or not.

*****


Dominic juggled the rucksack that carried his costume, a bag from the corner grocery, a pizza box from the take out place across the grocery, and a stack of required reading as he attempted to fish the apartment key from his pants pocket. It had been three days since his encounter with Garrick in Washington, and things had not gotten much easier. Things were about to get worse, even if the source of Dominic’s consternation was kind enough to get the door for him.

“Surprise, cute Epi! Yo is to be welcoming – Holy Jumping Bunnies!!”

The pair gawked at one another through the open apartment door: Epitome, shocked at the sight of a swarthy intruder in a Zorro costume and Yo, stunned to see his/her former teammate so-

“Young. Epi is young again.”

“What the hell is going on here?!” Clancy demanded.

Glory quickly brushed past Yo and into the hall, “Do not be mad,” she plead through the mechanical translator device attached to her collar.

“Yes, please do not be getting upset with cute Glory. When Yo had heard that cute Epitome had been facing trouble Yo wanted to check up on Yo’s friend. So Yo put the arm on cute Glory and would not take no as an answer,” the thought being scooped up an armful of Dominic’s burden and brought it in to the apartment.

“Glory, I said not to tell the Lair Legion about what had happened,” Dominic admonished as he followed the pair in.

“I did not tell Yo about your age recession. I meant regression,” Glory growled at the inefficiency of the translator.

“This is true. Yo is finding it surprisinging that cute Epitome is no longer grizzled or having receding hairline,” the Legionnaire popped open the pizza container, “Ooo, linguicia.”

“Would you like to sty for dinner? Stay!” Glory vocalized.

“Yo is to be thinking junior Epitome not copasetic with the idea.”

Dominic set his jaw, “You can stay if you wish. This is Glory’s apartment as well.”

“No. Yo is seeing Epi has reading to do,” Yo checked the stack of books the Man of Might had dropped on the counter, “Who’s Whoing in the Parodyverse, World Alamanacs 1994 and 1995, “The Ways Things Ought to Be Being”. This homework is more assorted than Visi’s.”

“Look, you don’t have to go,” Dominic cast a glance at the suddenly downcast Glory, “I’ll just take these into my room and you can-“

“But before Yo is to leave, a gift,” the thought being reached behind the couch and withdrew a large rectangle concealed in pink and purple bunny wrapping paper, “For housewarminging.”

After removing the gift-wrap Epitome found himself staring at a framed picture of the Lair Legion. Dominic knew very little about the group still, but was aware he had been a member. In fact he was in this portrait, standing at parade rest in the corner of the shot, like some solemn bookend.

“Is to be reminding you of happy times,” Yo explained.

“Hm. I don’t look too happy here,” the Star Spangled Splendor referenced his stoic countenance in the photo.

The pure thought being lightly pressed a gloved finger to the picture, pointing to Epitome’s chest, “Yo can be seeing cute Epi smiling on the inside.”

*****


It took a few minutes for Yo and Glory to say goodbye, and for Yo to wrangle a promise from Dominic that he would consider visiting Lair Mansion so “cute Al B. can be seeing what is making Epi young again again.” But then:

“That was dirty pool, Glory.”

The Dog Dynamo bowed her head slightly, “I just thought use…you should see some of your friends again. Yo is a good person.”

“Glory, no offense, but you’re a dog. You like everybody. You said something nice about Ted Kennedy yesterday,” the Paragon of Power sighed and walked back to the counter, “I need to be the one who decides how I’m going to reintroduce myself to the world, OK?”

“Are you very mad?”

Dominic picked a piece of sausage off the pizza and tossed it to Glory, who snapped it out of the air happily, “Yes.”

Glory wagged her tail, “I think you are not so mad on the inside.”

Next: We go back to “The Prince of the Power of the Heir,” the story that I should have written before this but I was too lazy to write a big fight scene involving tornadoes and the Mexican-American War.

Footnotes:

Herbert P. Garrick is the Presidential Advisor on Superheroes and leader of the anti-mutant campaign. He is rabidly opposed to superheroes, so that doesn't help really. "Bad News Herb" is the man who controls the robotic Sentinoids, hero-hunting automatons

Clarice Grackle: was a trainee at the FBI Academy the same time Dominic Clancy was. The two had a romantic relationship, but split amicably when they graduated. Later, when Dominic was chosen to become Mr. Epitome, he requested Clarice become part of the task force that was centered around his activities as a superhuman law enforcement agent. They had an on again, off again relationship that finally ended when Epitome left the FBI to start up the Office of Paranormal Security. Agent Crackle returned briefly to his life when the Epitome Division was put under a government review for possible rules violations and she accepted the job as an investigator for the man who ran the inquiry. This, of course, is all moot now, given Dominic’s new status.

What we got here, is a failure to communicate: Glory and Epitome had developed a language that was based on thousands of verbal and non-verbal cues. But Dominic’s condition has made him forget how to understand much of the vocabulary at this point, so they are relying on the portable translator device the Dog Dynamo sometimes uses when working with the Juniors. To explain why Glory doesn’t use the mechanism all the time I just wanted to demonstrate it occasionally makes errors in its translation.







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